Sunday Funnies 2012.04.08

Have a happy and blessed Easter!

"Why You Wouldn't Want To Be An Easter Egg"

It takes you three minutes to get hard.
You only get laid once.

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Years ago in Ireland, there was a priest who was very anti-British. Every Sunday he would blast them from the pulpit. He became so notorious that the Pope himself summoned the priest to Rome fnr an audience.

"Father," said the Pope, "I want that there should be peace between the British and the Irish. You're not helping matters at all. I want you to kiss my ring and swear by the Blessed Virgin that you'll never so much as mention the British in public again."

"But Your Holiness, I - I - " the priest stammered.

"No buts," said the Pope. "Swear it here and now or there'll be trouble!"

"Aye, Holy Father," sighed the father. "All right. I swear it."

The very next Sunday just happened to be Easter, and the priest was back at his pulpit in Ireland, giving his annual Easter sermon.

He got to the part of the Easter story where Jesus said, "And one of you shall betray Me."

The priest continues: "Saint Andrew jumps up and says, 'Is it I Lord?' and the Lord says, 'Nay, Andy darlin', it's not you. Sit down now and dunna worry. Eat your supper.'

Then Saint John the Divine gets up with tears in his eyes and cries, 'Is it I Lord?' And the Lord says, 'Nay, Johnny me boy, it's not you. Sit down now and dunna fret yourself. Eat your supper.'

"Then that dirty dog Judas Iscariot slowww-ly rises to his feet. And he looks the Lord right in the eye and says, 'Blimey, Mate. Ya think it's me?"

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If a Muslim and a Buddhist were to pass over Easter Island, where would they bury the irony?

Sunday Funnies 2012.04.01

Yesterday was the drawing for the largest MegaMillions lottery jackpot in history - upwards of $640 million.

I won $2...

So today's funnies pay homage to the lottery and people who play it.

A man bursts into his house and yells, "Pack your bags, Honey, I just won the lottery!"

She says, "Oh, wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?"

He replies, "I don't care ... Just get the hell out!"

A Texas Aggie buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it and the lottery agent verifies his ticket number. The Aggie says, "I want my $20 million."

The agent man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years."

The Aggie said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it."

Again, the agent explained that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.

The Aggie, furious with the man, screams, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!"

A Scotsman was convinced by a friend that he ought to buy a couple of lottery tickets, and so reluctantly he parted with the money.

As luck would have it, the Scotsman wins the Jackpot and becomes a millionaire.

However his friend noticed that after he won the big prize, the Scotsman didn’t seem happy.

“What’s wrong?” the friend asked. “You just became a millionaire!”

“I know,” he groaned. “I just wish I hadn’t bought that second ticket!”